University Life #1

A little over 2 months ago I started University and I thought I would do a sort of "first impressions" post on what I thought of it. 

WARNING: this is going to be a very waffly post and very rambly. sorry in advance if it makes no sense. 

In short, I hated it to begin with. 

Because I'm currently attending my local university me and my parents felt it unnecessary to move away from home, when I could save money living at home. 

This was my first mistake. 

I cannot begin to describe how isolated I feel and how distant I feel from people on my course. And I can't help but feel how it could have been different if I had moved into Halls of Residence. 

I'm quite bad at making friends anyway, I'm not a very open person and I'll be the first person to admit this. I don't seem to open up to people a whole lot, and this is a massive downfall that I'm slowly working on. 

I lack confidence and just cannot summon the strength to "put myself out there" for people. 

*hello rejection complex*

But I digress, my first week was probably the hardest. 

With people slowly making friends with each other and all the freshers events people went to (none of which I attended) I felt more distant. 

To the point where the first day I came home in a horrible mood and a couple of weeks later I was ready to pack it all in and quit. 

It affected me a lot. 

However, I persevered with it and tried to stick it out and things are slowly getting better. 

At first I found the freedom of university quite annoying(?) and not at all "my thing". If there's one thing I love it's structure. Everything in my life has a routine. 

And I have to stick to it. 

So to come somewhere where everything was so laid back and "chill" was daunting to say the least.

And to be quite honest people don't give a shit. It's up to you to turn up to your lectures/workshops/what have you and it's up to YOU to put the work in and make these 3 years count.  

But I've slowly got used to it and I'm starting to take it all in my stride.

I have actually missed quite a few weeks due to me having quite bad panic attacks and social anxiety. 

I wasn't sure about writing this paragraph as it is quite personal but I thought what the hell, right?

I've suffered with bad depression, anxiety, panic attacks etc since I was around 8 years old. 

So going to university obviously doesn't seem like the best idea on paper. But I was determined to give it a go and try it. 

And although the first month or so was quite painful and new and I did suffer from some of the worst panic attacks I've ever had, I think it was almost worth it? 

Now I seem to be enjoying it and I finally feel like I'm doing something I like!

Oh I forgot to mention I'm doing a Fine Art BA (Hons) and this is quite important to mention because it is structured VERY differently to the majority of other university courses. 

It's very "hands on" and practical, despite the 1 lecture we have. 

We spent the first 6 weeks doing workshops in sculpture and painting. 

And I hated this bit. 

This was what I hated most. Which is bizarre considering if I had to pigeon hole myself I would put myself in the "painter" category. 

But I just didn't get on with it, maybe because I had no idea what we were meant to be doing, but I just couldn't get these to work for me. 

However, after the assessment we had last week and some good grades and a change of workshop, I think I'm starting to enjoy it. Now we're doing printmaking and lens based media which is a joy so far! 

Bizarre again, but I used to HATE photography. 

Everything about this course is so bizarre and nothing I could've anticipated but I really love it now. 

I'm lucky that my cousin is a 3rd year at the same university doing the same course so she has helped me in telling me what the course entails. And has reassured me it gets better in 2nd year.

*fingers crossed*

But right now I'm starting to enjoy it and I can see where I'm going. 

Which is a feeling I've never felt before. 

A future. 

Sorry this was a bit ramble-y and spontaneous but I thought I would write a little first impressions of university life. 

Again, I might make this into a little series(?)

Update you (whoever you are) every couple of months on what university is like. 

I'm hoping this will give some people a little help or encouragement to stick with their course. 

Or if they want a glimpse into a different perspective of university life then I hope this helps you. 

As always

Much love

Deanna xo